Are you a macadamia or pistachio?

No one has actually said that I’m a tough nut to crack but quite a few people have reminded me that I can get pretty cold and emotionless, to put it bluntly. The more I’m starting to understand myself, the more I’m starting to accept myself and the behaviours I show. I think I started to notice I was a bit different than the others when I was a teenager; I didn’t really care about celebrities, gossip or any other superficial things. The one thing I vividly remember was when I was in college, we had to think of a celebrity and write down their names so we could try to guess who it is. I barely know any celebrity. So guess who I wrote down?

Heidi Klum.

I don’t even know what she did for a living so don’t ask. After a few more years of catching up with a bit of TV I’m able to list more celebrities. What a feat. I started learning more about pop culture because I didn’t want to be the weird one of not knowing who people are on TV, and also for conversing in daily conversation…if necessary.

Hmm. Mmm. Ahh. Umm. Yea. Yep. Oh right. Oh OK. Nice. Cool. Wicked. Maybe. Well. Could be.

These words are typically how I respond to people whenever they say something to me. Evoking a greater emotion from me isn’t going to happen unfortunately. The times when I try to act a little more emotional is when I’m with acquaintances or strangers to keep up with social norms. Usually with my close friends I would just reply with one word answers, think, pause, and then say something extremely blunt. I’m prepared for bluntness and criticism on my end too. If something triggered me then I would go in denial at first as I’m incredibly stubborn, but, after a few moments of gathering my thoughts I will learn to accept their reasons and logic. I get a high when people can prove me wrong with logical reasoning, it’s pretty weird but I quite enjoy it. As I’m writing this I’ve suddenly drifted off thinking about sadism and masochism, and if you know how our brain wanders off in different directions it’s perfectly acceptable right?

What people don’t know is that this is just me and it’s not because I don’t like you. I guess it’s not great to have a ‘resting bitch face’ or a ‘melancholy stare’, I have a bad habit of looking into someone eyes to try to figure out what makes them tick.

The Eyes are the window to your soul

-William Shakespeare

Well, some people say, by looking into someone’s eyes you’ll instantly see their true colours. I don’t dismiss that completely, I’m pretty open to it. My friends remind me that I shouldn’t be so blunt and I should learn to open up more to others. It’s hard to open up. Feelings?! We have them yes, but why do we need to express them unnecessarily to others?! Ironic, seeing as I’m doing this in my blog.

There’s a particular story I want to share with you all:

One day when I was in art class in college I was sitting next to my friend minding my own business and doing my thing. Another girl (A) sitting next to me needed a sharpener and asked me since it was out on my desk. The girl next to her AKA her friend (B) turned to (A) and blatantly vocalised by saying ‘I don’t like her‘ (AKA ME). Wow. The hurt was deep and I didn’t know how to react and neither did I say anything. After that, it changed me for the better I guess. I’m assuming she didn’t like me because I didn’t smile back when she did and that wasn’t because I was being horrible. I didn’t know how to smile at that dark time of mine when I was a teenager. Well of course there are other factors too regarding my behaviour when I was a teen but I was super reserved and quiet.

Well, the moral of this story is not to judge someone so quickly, even if they seem to be cold, distant or emotionless. I’m actually invisibly attracted to people who are like me. Whenever I see a quiet person it intrigues me, because I know they are secretly thinking of other things and I want to tap into their minds. After that ordeal, it made me realise not to judge a book by its cover. Learn to know someone better, slowly, rather than make harsh judgements from just a few interactions.

I’m a tough nut to crack and no one has ever done it yet. You’ll get a £100 if you do.


Let’s end with another ‘befitting’ song:


There may be some discrepancies in my writing as my mind tends to wander the majority of the time. I go off in tangents so please bear that in mind.